Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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