I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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