It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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