Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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