i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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