i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
