I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
