I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
