drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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