i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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