Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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