my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
