how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
