he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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