the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
