You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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