2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
