"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
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I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
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Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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