So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
