I'm so fucking centered right now
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
