I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
