tell your sister to shave her snatch
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
