it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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