is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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