what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
