I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
