my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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