I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
