I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
