my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
