dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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