My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
