I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
