Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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