maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
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FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
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You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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