bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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