i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
