well I can't set my house on fire every night
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
