I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
