you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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