Cold hands, warm shart.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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