You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
