my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
They have beer where we have blood.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
