I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
