Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
