sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
