Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
