Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
