i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
