I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
this just has baby written all over it
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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