i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
