she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
