"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
there is puke in my bra ... again
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