That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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