I puked a lego.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
