Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
