i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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