I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
