ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
