"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
