my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
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Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
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Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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